The Fear Of Missing Out fallacy
You're only missing out on your own life
Oh FOMO – the “it phrase” of the early 2010’s. Fear of missing out describes the nagging feeling that other people may be experiencing something fun and awesome but that you are missing out on it (Psychology Today). I used to remark that I have zero fear of missing out, instead I have LOMO – the love of missing out. In my mid twenties, I began to prefer staying in over going out – the monotony of another bar, another drunken night! It’s not entirely accurate to say, however, that FOMO didn’t affect me in some ways.
Of course, I felt left out if I saw someone sharing pictures of a night out that I wasn’t invited to, but it extended to other things in my life. I wanted to share a perfectly curated life on Instagram, the way some of my friends and influencers did. At first, I felt like I was missing out on a splashy engagement, followed by a grand wedding. Then came the vacations, babies, houses, and hosting for the holidays. Even as my life naturally went through some of these motions, I didn’t have the same confidence in posting about them. Then, I felt I missed out on some praise, some affirmation I was owed that I was doing life right.
If I did manage to make a post that I felt good about, I would obsessively check the likes and comments – even as I told myself, “Stop! Come back in a day!.” I’d actually feel my heart race as I reopened the app over and over and got a flood of likes. Then, I’d feel despair as the attention began to peter out. I’d compare the number of likes to my last post, and I’d wonder where I went wrong.
All the while, I knew this was an insane line of thinking. I knew that Instagram changes their algorithm frequently, and that my value has nothing to do with how many people choose to double tap on my picture. This logic I played out in my head didn’t stop the intrusive thoughts or feelings.
After experimenting with doing one monthly “photo dump,” I eventually stopped posting all together. I only used it to consume content and sometimes message a few close friends. The feeling that I was missing out on some life I didn’t have never went away.
FOMO and social media are intertwined
A 2021 study (Fioravanti et al., 2021) investigated the connection between FOMO and problematic social media use. The results clearly showed a correlation between the two – people who had more FOMO were more likely to use social media and have a problematic relationship with social media. Further, they found “FOMO was positively correlated with depression, anxiety, and neuroticism and negatively correlated with consciousness.” The study showed correlation, not causation. It’s not clear if the FOMO causes the problematic social media use or if the problematic social media use causes the FOMO, but the two are closely linked.
The feeling that someone is experiencing something you want isn’t exactly novel to the era of social media – it’s innately human. Erin Vogel, Ph.D. explains in this Forbes article, “Humans want to feel like we’re included, like we belong to a group…When we feel as if we’re part of a community and others approve of us, we feel better about ourselves. When we don’t get that sense of community approval, we feel worse about ourselves.” This doesn’t just apply to social media, but it’s exacerbated by the system – a place where you’re only seeing the highlight reels of people's lives, when you only get a glimpse of the full picture. It’s enough to send you down a spiral.
Expanding on the psychology behind FOMO, Forbes explains, “...feeling bonded with others leads to feeling less stressed, which supports both the nervous system and the immune system. Conversely, the feeling of FOMO affects the brain similar to other anxiety conditions by activating a “fight or flight” response,’ says Dr. Dattilo. ‘The brain perceives a threat, a social threat in this case, and puts us on high alert. Our nervous system gets agitated and then we become uncomfortable and motivated to find relief,’ she continues. This need for relief often leads people straight to their favorite social media apps. “Unfortunately, by seeking relief in this way, we only maintain or even strengthen the anxiety that triggered it in the first place,” says Dr. Dattilo.’
It’s human nature – we want to feel included, appreciated, and valued. When that feeling is lacking, the path of least resistance is to seek it on social media – converting likes and comments to our true human value. The more we do this, the deeper we get into the cycle.
A life worth living
The real irony of engaging with this feeling of missing out, is that you actually start to miss out on your real life. I was never missing out on something, I was living the life that I was meant to live. Everything I really valued was right in front of my eyes – that is if I would put my phone down and see it there. I had a group of friends, family, and a partner who all loved and appreciated me, but I was seeking affirmation from empty gestures.
I’ve since deleted Instagram – an early first step in my on-going journey. While I still have other mountains to climb, I can say that this was a really important action to take. I still seek that sense of community and belonging, but I push to find it within myself. I have a renewed sense of gratitude for the things I have. The biggest change I have noticed is that without having a constant influx of other lives to compare mine to, I rarely feel that I am missing out on another life – a better house, more vacations, invitations to events. I’m generally satisfied with the path I am on, and while I have goals I want to reach, I set them myself – for me and my family.
It may be human nature to seek validation from others, but at the end of our lives, only we can answer the question - “did I live a life worth living?”
Hi reader. In the coming weeks, I’m launching a new reader Q&A series. If you have a question about digital minimalism or starting your own journey to break free from the internet, shoot me a message at the link below.