Reader Q&A #5 | I want to make a change. My partner does not.
How do you focus on your own screen goals when your partner is always glued to their own device?
In my mid-twenties, deep into my unhealthy phone habits, I would become incensed watching strangers around me with their shoulders hunched, staring deep into their phones. These strangers were innocuous enough — walking through the city to work, taking the subway home, standing in the elevator or in line at the bodega — but their actions enraged me.
Why? I was hardly different. I could be found looking at my phone just as often as my fellow New Yorkers.
My ire didn’t let up when I’d come home to my partner scrolling endlessly on the couch. Again, this was truly hypocritical. Not even 15 minutes later, I’d be sitting next to him scrolling too.
I didn’t realize it then, but I was projecting. I was ultimately angry at myself. I knew my scrolling was a bad habit, and I knew I wanted to make changes, but I never took any real steps in the right direction. So, instead of beating myself up, I projected my anger to the tech-obsessed world around me.
It took me years to come full circle and understand the magic truth — real change starts with me.
So onto today’s reader question, which I could have written myself a year ago. How can we possibly make change when our own partners will not?
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Q: I want to make changes, but my partner doesn’t. How can I let my new goals not get in the way of our relationship? It drives me nuts when he’s scrolling endlessly when I’m trying to get out of that habit.
I’m going to hit you with the same hard truth that I had to learn — you are only in control of yourself and your own actions.
You absolutely have to let go of any notion that you can change your partner’s actions, holding on too tight will only drag you down and hold you back.
Here is what you can control:
Your own phone usage. This is the number one thing — concentrate on how your changes will affect your day. Tune out the rest.
The boundaries you have with your partner for your quality time together. You cannot expect your partner to take the same journey as you, but you can let them know how important this is to your well-being. Ask if they can manage some reasonable boundaries. Here are some examples:
No phones at dinner time
No phones on date night
No phones out when spending quality time together
No phubbing — put your phone down when talking together
Just like trying to reach any other goal, it’s, of course, nice to have accountability, but you can’t let it bring you down if your partner won’t be that person. You know, from your own experiences, that you have to be in the right headspace to make this kind of change. It requires a huge mindset shift, strong motivation, and steadfast self-control.
Focus instead on being the best example of what life can look like without being glued to your phone, it might just be the encouragement they need to make changes on their own.
Anecdotally, I never asked my partner to make changes with me, but he recently decided to start making changes himself. This wasn’t overnight. I’ve been on this journey for nine months, and he’s only started to come around in the last two. He saw, however, what a huge change it’s been in both my mental health, but also my productivity. He was inspired into change, not scolded into it.
Don’t get me wrong, there have been moments of complaining about his scrolling or reminding him to put his phone down at the dinner table. But I took the foot off the gas as much as I could, and he came to the natural conclusion that his relationship with the internet needed work.
It might sound cheesy, but it’s an important piece of this movement. We can share the facts, we can talk about the hours wasted on scrolling, we can tell people “there is a better way!” We can preach until we’re blue in the face, but the best way to make true change is with ourselves, and to hope that the people around us see the impact of that change.