Reader Q&A #5 | I want to make a change. My partner does not.
How do you focus on your own screen goals when your partner is always glued to their own device?
In my mid-twenties, deep into my unhealthy phone habits, I would become incensed watching strangers around me with their shoulders hunched, staring deep into their phones. These strangers were innocuous enough — walking through the city to work, taking the subway home, standing in the elevator or in line at the bodega — but their actions enraged me.
Why? I was hardly different. I could be found looking at my phone just as often as my fellow New Yorkers.
My ire didn’t let up when I’d come home to my partner scrolling endlessly on the couch. Again, this was truly hypocritical. Not even 15 minutes later, I’d be sitting next to him scrolling too.
I didn’t realize it then, but I was projecting. I was ultimately angry at myself. I knew my scrolling was a bad habit, and I knew I wanted to make changes, but I never took any real steps in the right direction. So, instead of beating myself up, I projected my anger to the tech-obsessed world around me.
It took me years to come full circle and understand the magic truth — real change starts with me.
So onto today’s reader question, which I could have written myself a year ago. How can we possibly make change when our own partners will not?
Before we dive in, a reminder that today’s essay is a paid subscriber exclusive. If you’d like to submit a question to be answered in a future installment, message me or submit a question on the chat.