My phone is my nighttime crutch

The one habit I still haven't kicked - using my phone to fall asleep.

I talk a big game. I’m done with Instagram. I have never been on TikTok. I mostly use my phone as a tool: online grocery orders, banking, GPS, texting and calling friends and family, music and podcasts on long car rides. Those are the places that I primarily spend time on my phone. Right before I go to bed at night, my daily usage is nearly always less than 2 hours.

Yet, if you really saw my daily average, it would be closer to 3 hours. Know why that is?

I still use my phone as a sleep crutch.

For as long as I can remember I have struggled to fall asleep at night. As a kid, my parents gave me a long list of things to try to enter dream land. Among the many things (some that I now repeat to my 5 year old who has inherited my same struggles):

• Count sheep

• Count backwards from 100

• Count your breaths

• Listen to music

• Read a book

• Starting with your toes, tell your body to go to sleep one body part at a time

• Think abstract happy thoughts

• Imagine floating in the ocean

And my personal favorite — “Just rest your eyes and stop coming to our room.” This last one I don’t have the heart to impart on my own kid.

Throughout my childhood, I would lie awake for hours trying all of these things. Then come morning, my mom couldn’t understand why I was so hard to rouse.

It was during this time in my life that the bad habits really started. I had an OG GameBoy, complete with a flashlight that plugged into its side. I would stay up for hours playing Mario and Tetris. By the time I did finally close my eyes, I’d see Tetris shapes floating in my head.

Once I got a phone, the habits evolved. Some nights it was staying up late on the phone (normal childhood behavior), but others I’d play those stock phone games like Snake. And as my flip phone turned into an iPhone, I began what now continues, over a decade later, as my nighttime routine.

I go to bed, I turn the lights off, and I play whatever game or games I’m into at the moment until I drift off to sleep. Right now, I churn through my quick NYT games (Wordle, Strands, and Connections), then fall asleep either playing the NYT Crossword, Spelling Bee, Solitaire, or Sudoku.

I genuinely cannot fall asleep without this. I am so reliant on playing these word games to fall asleep, that if I don’t, my mind will race for hours. I have tried to cut it many times over the years, and I always end up coming back.

I reduce the light on my phone (brightness fully down, but I also reduce the white point through Accessibility settings) so the screen doesn’t keep me up. It’s the mindless task of playing a boring game that allows my brain to truly turn off and fall asleep. It works like a charm 9/10 nights.

Is it necessary to change something when it’s “working”?

When I first started on this journey last year, I knew that I needed to consider dropping this habit of mine. Every bit of advice that I have read has touted how important it is to have your phone in a different room at night. I give this advice!

Still, I never really felt ready to tackle it. I’ve questioned whether it’s so bad that I indulge. Going back to one of my core principals, I ask the question “do the pros outweigh the cons?”

On the pro side — It works, my sleep quality is as good as it can be (from a parent of small children who frequently visit my bed), and I never end up doomscrolling or getting lost doing other things during this time. I play my game routine and that’s it.

As for cons? Studies show it’s not healthy, even if it might be working for me. I’ve never tracked my sleep with any devices, but I guess I would be curious if it could improve my overall quality of sleep to ditch the habit. Would I wake up more well-rested? And if I’m being honest, the biggest con is that I just don’t like this about myself. I hate relying on technology for something as simple as sleep.

Look — I could probably keep this habit for years and not feel too guilty. I can justify having this nighttime crutch, especially in these years where my kids are itty bitty and crawling into my bed or calling for mama at all hours of the night. It makes sense to prioritize what is working.

Yet, it nags at me. I guess I wonder if I really could finally cut this habit for good.

So, for the first time in a long time on this Substack, I’m starting a new challenge for myself, with you, my community as my accountability partner.

How do I fall asleep without my phone?

I know there are a lot of techniques people use to fall asleep. Or you’re a lucky motherf’er like my husband who can lay down on your pillow and fall asleep in less than three minutes. This is unfathomable to me.

If I’m sitting alone in the dark, my brain fires up. I run through my entire day, I think about the day coming, I think about my to-do list, or I think about all the things I don’t want to do. Sometimes, my thoughts get dark, and I’ll ruminate. Other times, I’ll get stuck in a day--dreaming spell where I’m imagining up some pretend world or version of my life. No matter what, my brain is on hyperdrive and I can’t quiet it. None of these thoughts lead to sleep for me.

So knowing that’s the problem, I have to try solutions that involve quieting my restless mind.

Most articles list some version of the same techniques that my parents tried with me as a kid — counting or relaxing my body, one muscle at a time. I did find this Healthline article that lists some new things I haven’t tried:

• 4-7-8 cycle — It’s sort of a breathing and counting technique. Maybe concentrating on the two combined can lull me to sleep.

• Write before bed — I very much would like to get a better journal routine going, but I’m a bit pessimistic about this helping me. On one hand, maybe it’s a good way to get the thoughts out and on paper. On the other hand, won’t it just stir up more thoughts?

• Read a physical book — I have actually done this in certain periods of my life, but it really does have to be the perfect book. If it’s too good, I won’t put it down, and I’ll be up all night reading. If it’s too boring, I won’t be motivated enough to pick it up.

There’s also meditation, which I have wanted to get into for years but has always felt daunting to me. It might be something I can finally start dabbling in. In some ways, it feels as insurmountable as kicking my phone sleep habit. But maybe combining the two would be a good way to go about it? That is, if I actually can manage to commit to it.

I also learned about “Cognitive Shuffling” from The New York Times which I found intriguing. From the article:

“Cognitive shuffling is a mental exercise that involves focusing your mind on words that have no association with one another, as a way of signaling to your brain that it’s time to fall asleep. The task is meant to be engaging enough to distract you from the thoughts that may be impeding sleep, but not so interesting that your brain perks up.

You start by taking a random word — “Pluto,” for example. Then think of as many words as you can that begin with the same first letter, like so: “Plane, poodle, play, peaches.” When you run out of “P” words, you can move on to the next letter of your original word, which is “L,” and do the same thing: “Love, light, lemur, linger.” Take a second or so to visualize each word.”

It’s kind of like playing the word games I’m playing on my phone, but in my head. I’ve dabbled with it a little for my middle of the night wakes, and it’s been somewhat effective, though not foolproof.

What’s next?

So, I suppose, tonight is the night that I begin. I know it takes some time to adjust to a new habit, so I’m officially committing to this for the next three weeks. Here’s what I think I’ll do at bedtime:

1. Make a mug of chamomile tea.

2. Plug my phone in across the room.

3. Read a couple chapters of a physical book. Limit to no more than 30 pages.

4. Lights out.

5. Cognitive Shuffling.

I included the tea and the book as “treat” to help me look forward to my new bedtime routine. If I find Cognitive Shuffling isn’t working for me, I’ll take the plunge into meditation. In 21 days, I’ll report back on Notes and let you know how it’s going (or not going).

I haven’t done a challenge like this in a while, does anyone else want to join in?

Most of all, please send me your good vibes. It sounds silly, but I’m also a little sad to say goodbye to my little routine. It’s been reliable. But I remember feeling a little sad about saying goodbye to Instagram too. And now, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Let’s hope I’m saying the same thing about my sleep routine a month from now.